Opening Old Wounds

I know we're not supposed to talk about last year anymore, but what about the previous 20 seasons? I’m all for it (because if not I might not have a job here), but I’d like to make a change or two along the way.

Warning: Parts of this are quite painful. If you’re looking for happier times, click here.

1986 – Though Irish K John Carney takes the brunt of the abuse for the first game of the Lou Holtz era, a 24-23 defeat to the third-ranked Michigan Wolverines (a game in which the Irish punter, Vince Phelan, never saw the field), I’d like to point out to the back judge that landing with four feet inbounds, is actually a legal catch and in this case, a go-ahead TD. Joel Williams, you got robbed.

 

1987 – I was Holtz’s biggest fan at the time and I appreciate him even more today, but seriously, Kent Graham at the goal line? With the 8-1 Irish (ranked No. 7 at the time) trailing Penn State in State College by a touchdown at the end of the first half, Holtz took out QB Tony Rice and inserted Graham, his “passing QB.” Graham promptly threw a pick from the 3-yard line with 0:30 seconds remaining. Anyone else think Rice could get the ball in from the 3? ND lost 21-20 on a failed two-point conversion attempt (by Rice). 

 

1988 – I’d learn advanced cloning techniques.

1989 – I’d explain to Irish OLB Devon McDonald that in 1989, you weren’t allowed to advance a fumble. Fall on the ball!! Had Notre Dame recovered this Miami fumble, the phrase “3^rd and 43” would have no relevance in Irish lore and I wouldn’t have thrown nachos at my parents’ TV.

 

1990, Part I – I’d change it so Derek Brown holds on to a ball he’d probably catch nine times out of ten.

 

1990, Part II – Keep the yellow hanky in your pocket, cool guy.

 

1991 - I’d stop Notre Dame K Craig Hentrich from hustling to attempt a tackle on a blocked FG at the end of the first half vs. Tennessee. Had Hentrich not injured his leg, he surely would have drilled the 23-yard potential game winner to avoid the upset now known in Knoxville as, “The Miracle in South Bend.” And then the world’s worst “Google” page would not exist.

1992– I’d lock up then-Stanford head coach Bill Walsh in a holding cell prior to game time so the The Genius and his (underrated) squad wouldn’t reel off 33 consecutive points, burying one of the best teams of the Holtz era in what can only be described as a day in which everything went wrong (including an intercepted throw-back pass on an Irish kick return. I wish I were joking).

1993 – Not in the mood…

1994 – I’d give sophomore OLB Bert Berry, a solid NFL pass rusher after his days at ND, his future strength in order to corral Michigan QB Todd Collins, likely stopping a drive that ended in a game-winning FG by K Remy Hamilton just one play later.

1995 – I’d give Irish recruit Randy Moss 12 of my own credit hours and some common sense. As a result, QB Ron Powlus wins the Heisman Trophy as a junior, while freshman Randy Moss and senior Derrick Mayes torch opposing defenses for 13 fun-filled games and a National Championship. (Ancillary result: OG Ryan O'Leary wins the Outland Trophy).

1996 – Powlus wins his second Heisman behind 40 passing TD (30 to Moss) and Beano Cook is hailed a genius. The Irish fail to repeat due to Moss’s legal issues in mid-November.

 

1997 – Powlus takes his show to the NFL (where his receivers represent a major drop-off from his college days). Holtz probably isn’t forced out…I mean, probably didn’t retire, and as a result, we don’t promote this guy to coach the greatest program in college football history.

1998, Part I – Back to reality: I’d instruct QB Jarious Jackson to run through the back of the end zone in Game #10 vs. LSU rather than wait for the rush to catch up to him on his intentional Safety. The result? No knee injury, and a victory one week later at USC (rather than a painful 10-0 loss and the dawn of the ill-fated Eric Chappell era) as well as a BCS bid for the suddenly 10-1 Irish.

1998, Part II - Since I moved to Atlanta THE DAY AFTER the Irish lost to Ga. Tech in the Gator Bowl, I'd find a way to score an extra 8 points, making my first few months in the South much more tolerable.

2000 – I’d explain to HC Bob Davie that you go for the win when you’re facing the nation’s No. 1 team, at home, in the second week of the season, with a tie score, two timeouts, and 50 seconds remaining. This time if any of you booed, I don’t blame you. 

2001 – I wouldn’t change a thing. Don’t let the door hit you …

2002 – I’d remove the Crisco from those Lima Bean green jerseys in Game Nine vs. BC.

2003 – I wouldn’t fly up from Atlanta to South Bend to witness a 37-0 pounding at the hands of Florida State … with my friend who graduated from Florida Freaking State.

2004 – I’d bet 10-large on Oregon State as a four-point favorite in the We Don’t Want to Be Here Bowl.

2005, Part I – I’d convince DE Justin Tuck to stay in school for one more season.

2005, Part II – I’d give CB Ambrose Wooden another 4-inches on his wingspan.

2005, Part III – I’d help DE Ronald Talley hang on for two more seconds.

2006 – I’d bring back the attitude from 2005.

2007 – Error: Today’s column has reached the maximum number of allowable characters.